I would like to officially welcome you all to the first ever Fantasy Week Recap. You have no choice but to read and laugh at all my jokes as I either compliment or most likely roast you performance. Just remember we have no clue who this Nicaddy guy is! So dont go blaming your favorite New Yorker for making fun of you, that kid is a loser how dare you think I am him. (Editors Note: I hope to do this every week guys but you know life and shit I was scrapping the bottom of the barrel by the end of it but enjoy hope you all laugh!) Alright lets get to it with our first Week 1 review.
Dimes Squad (Daniel Mckee) VS Chubba Chubba Choo Choo (Tyler Mortensen)
Down goes Tyson! The defending champ just got suckered in the face and oh my god hes not getting up! Wait there’s sign of life will he come back Monday Night? Absolutely he will not because he’s relying on a kicker and defense (editor insert laughing emojis). Well, Stefon Diggs decided to deliver the final blow much like a certain Rutgers RB that tragic night in an elevator. But why did Dan lose? Is it because he let his feelings get involved and trusted his beloved NFC East QB? Or would he have won if Dobbins didn’t get injured? Wait! I know why! Tyler had a great draft and the trio of Chubb, Stevenson and Diggs was too much to handle. I see why this would be a popular thought. However, this is not your typical fantasy review no no no you got my weird ass brain stroking this keyboard and lemme tell you she singing.Tyler won because this was a just recently married game, you always bet on that. Those players were happy for that owner and there was no stopping them much like Tyler with a case of miller lite (its less calories guys cmon). It was the best wedding gift they could give to a 28? 27? god hope it’s not 29 year old man. ALWAYS BET ON THE JUST RECENTLY MARRIED. Unfortunately, much like the Giants our good friend Dan is scrambling like a trucker who just got a call from vineyard vine wearing white boy asking “whats wrong with the shipment?” from a week one loss and I’m sure all of us are just devastated for him.
Team No Respect (Andrew Williams) Vs fullsleevetua (Eiron Sanchez)
Before I get to the matchup I just have to say I dont think you all realize what we witnessed with Eirons Draft. It was the birth of a new draft philosophy, an actual billion IQ play by Mr. Sanchez that has been in the works for maybe three years now. This motherf*cker has blown my mind. Guys… he just keeps drafting the same players every year and is like “shit they gotta pop off eventually”. I mean he’s playing the odds like your 74 year old grandmother does in card games that she swears she doesn’t play that often and it’s so smart. Eventually the combo of Aiyuk/St.Brown/Pittman gotta work out right? And holy shit they did. Bravo Eiron, bravo. As for Andrew, gotta feel for this kid. Many are saying this is the best draft the young man out of Pennsylvania has ever had and the many are right. Hurts, Mixon, McCaffery , Evans, McLaurin, and MT is great drafting and I’m not so sure that he didn’t drop 1k on draft advice and website plug ins for draft day. I mean we’ve all seen him draft before I guess he just stayed off the weed for this draft. Thats maturity right there. SO HOW DA HELL THIS MAN LOSE. Two Reasons. 1)Recently Married game (I mean come on do I have to explain this again) 2) I think its time we start blaming Justin Tucker. This dude is clearly a locker room cancer, he is the only common denominator (Vocab howyadoin) on the past two teams. I also have it on good authority he has wrestled in the sheets with at least three of his teammates wives. Can’t be having that and I’ll be the first to call for his release through various social media platforms because that is clearly what smart people do nowadays. Do the right thing Andrew.
Silence of the LAMBda Alphas (Gil Polanco) Vs Deguzman (Nick DeGuzman)
Tough day in the office for my close personal friend Gil who I talk to on the phone once or twice a day. Was on the phone with him all day trying to cheer him up because like I mention we talk on the phone give or take about twice a day. He kept asking me “Herbert and White have to be getting going soon right?”, “where the hell is Lamar and Goedert?” “How bout that Ridley pick though?”. As great as it always is to talk to my close personal friend Gil and we talk a lot guys ok,,, like once or twice day. Nick took him to town no spit, lube, and a sandpaper finish I might add. You hate to see it. I mean its definitely not because of a certain defense scoring 35 points… Nick has a stacked team as always. Like Saquon Barkley! That boy can ball oh wait he only got 9.3 points… well Najee Harris is a beast bro! ahhh 5.30 points ok. Garret Wilson my dawg! him and Aaron Rod… wait what happened to his Achilles… Now it gives me no pleasure in doing this, but I am officially putting DeGuzman on “hmmm maybe this was a fluke game watch”. It has no reason to do with him stealing all my picks 2 years in a row or that he beat my very close personal friend Gil who calls me all the time for real, at least twice a day. Im sure he’ll be fine and he’ll make a playoff run, I just think he will have to avoid a few bushes along the way if you know what I’m saying.
Taking Back Sunday (Sam Sherman) Vs Touch Downs (Luke Autera)
Yuck yuck yuck. What the hell was this matchup. This matchup was the broad you wake up next to and realize you had too much 151 rum the night before. Watching this matchup was like attending a family event you have no desire to go to because the Aunt with the snaggel tooth and bad breath is a face talker but you have to go because “we haven’t seen them in awhile”. This matchup was like a surprise pinky in you- you guys get the what I’m putting my finger on here. Just gross. The QB matchup is honestly hysterical I mean thats two top four QBs that both decided to revolt against their respective owners. And good lord what a WR battle between Higgins and London, them boys said nah we good trade us. And how the hell did Luke lose, Josh Allen and the Giants sold on him so hard not gonna lie thats funny as hell. Sherman somehow found the one team he could beat this week and as someone who goes after lower numbers I can commend him for that. Gotta be nervous if you are these two. I expect some movement within the next two weeks.
Nick Has My Sunglasses (Zach Werinick???) VS Long Live the RB Strategy (Bill Nye)
Man when I heard Bill was running back the RB strategy I thought this man was joking. He was not. But somehow he didn’t do it as well as last year so I can only guess that Tyler was feeding him quite a bit of alcohol in Wisconsin during the draft. I personally recommend changing things up next year. I asked Wer-eh-nick? for a quote for this recap and he states “I will not be trading this year” so there you go. I weirdly dont hate any of these teams. I don’t love them but like strong “weird feelings for you 2nd cousin vibes”. Could be just the energy I got from Zach when he called me from Alabama. Not much to say here besides that. Think these boys will be in the mix but wouldn’t say I’m shaking in my boots.
Strength in Kickers (Nick Nicastro) VS A-Ranked Draft (Ryan Morgan)
Before we get to Ryan. I think Nicastro should start putting stock into what the post draft ranks are telling him. How many times will he put faith in an unknown team with their QB and WR and try to stack them along with an explosive Lions RB that gets no looks before he learns his lesson. I mean dude mix in a water on draft day good lord. Now we all gotta talk about the Packers fan,,, no wait Jaguars fan… wait he’s both? alright I guess you can do that. How did we let this happen? We’re smarter than this. Id say the blind squirrel finds the nut but thats a stupid saying. Squirrels have a great sense of smell them boys be eating regardless of sight. This was the paraplegic squirrel that has somehow crawled his way into an Utopia of nuts and trust me he’s nutting all over the place right now guys. Jaguars… WIN. Packers… WIN. Fantasy… WIN. Rodgers…DEAD. New dog….ADORABLE. We’ve created a monster in this paraplegic squirrel and its on us to cripple him even further or I fear there will be no acorns left for the rest of us, And it’ll be a long winter.
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